WASHINGTON — The Border Czar's office confirmed feeding tubes will be used only once detainees reach 'critically photogenic levels of emaciation.' Officials stated current weight loss falls within acceptable operational parameters. Resources withheld until media risk outweighs caloric deficit. "We monitor vitals, but mostly we monitor Twitter sentiment," said Deputy Director of Detainee Optics.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
Border Czar Clarifies Force-Feeding Threshold Is 'Visibly Skeleton-Like'
Expert Weighs In
“We monitor vitals, but mostly we monitor Twitter sentiment”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
