MENLO PARK — Mark Zuckerberg confirmed Wednesday that departing employees will receive severance in unprocessed behavioral metadata harvested during their tenure. The initiative allows staff to redeem keystroke logs for store credit. 'Cash is volatile, but we own your panic responses,' said VP of Human Capital Liquidation Sarah Jenkins. Employees reported feeling 'personally optimized.'
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.

Meta Offers Severance Packages Denominated In Personal Behavioral Data
Expert Weighs In
“Cash is volatile, but we own your panic responses”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.


